[ryan]

It's funny, I so wanted people to "tell me like it is" because I thought I could apply it immediatly, (and that's a big I). I was procrastinating on the recapitulation and I thought it was because I wanted to be "authentic" in doing it. I know now the real reason was I didn't want to look inside. Thanks ensonar. I wasn't trying to be a warrior I was a wanna be sorcerer. I didn't want to face the fact the I'm probably not another Don Juan, and for all I know maybe I'm a crappy warrior. This has made me re-think everything because I realized that my main modivation for beginning this path was self-importance. Is that what DonJuan meant when he said that there was no volunteers allowed?That teaches me a few things. I used my progress in dreaming and my ability to anaylze social interactions as validation on my progress in warring against self-importance, but I was just nibbling around the edges of the Gigantic idea of myself as the smartest, most wisest, channel of the spirit. And it was hard to let go!! You'd think something so obviously wrong and irrelevant would be easy. Now everything feels different, but at the same time it feels like having to start over again. The quote by "someone rather"; "Everone is ambitious, either to be or to do", makes since. I'm going to try to do my best, for a chance, instead of trying to be the best.